Day 15, December 18, 7:08 a.m.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so slightly off my game. I’m not sure why, but my guesses include finally getting my flu shot after weeks of trying, and finally hanging out with a friend at the Greenhouse Cidery after weeks of trying. I’ll let you form your own opinion on my malaise’s ultimate source.

I spent my walk contemplating the state of not feeling my best. This point in December is one where I can easily remember how I was feeling for many years back. Last year it was 2020. ‘nuff said. In 2019 we were on our way to Edinburgh and I was just getting my sea legs after quitting my 9-5 and going freelance. The years prior to that are peopled with weekends full of family and friends and traipsing around the city shopping and eating and sightseeing.

When I look back on these times, I remember feeling extremely overwhelmed, but also proud of myself, because it always seemed to me like “this year, I have my shit together.” In hindsight, I did not have my shit together. And that’s okay.

One of the weirder parts of being diagnosed in my 40s with what has likely been lifelong depression and anxiety is this act of looking back to times when I was sure I knew what I was doing and realizing I didn’t have a freaking clue about, well, anything. I thought I knew what I wanted, where I should be, what I should be doing, how I should be acting, who I should be hanging out with, how I should look, and on and on.

When we were in Colorado last month, I was hanging out with Molly—one of my two amazing sisters-in-law. We were talking about saving seeds and how easy it is and how big ag doesn’t necessarily want consumers to know that. And Molly said something so deep it still slaps: No matter what my problem, when I get to its root, it’s always capitalism. (n.b. This might be a slightly abridged or paraphrased or g-rated version, but it gets to the gist of the sentiment).

I bring this up because one of the things I am realizing is I am happier with less. And yes, believe me, I know this is some first world old white lady bullshit I get to spout, but it’s also true. #MeetingMorning